“In 2006 I got married and a year later we were so ready to start a family. I got pregnant immediately and we made an announcement to all family and friends. I went on a very healthy diet, did all pelvic exercises and started daily walks. We were all so very excited. At the time I was reading a story about a Russian spy named Anya and I liked this strong tough character so much, that I decided to name my baby girl after her.
The bliss was suddenly interrupted when at 6 months we went for a 4D US and the doctor noticed a diaphragm hernia. The obstetrician told me that the body would probably self-abort, but in the meantime, there was nothing they could do. Meanwhile, further US revealed that Anya also had an inverted heart and further along the stomach got squashed in the hernia.
The next three months passed as if in a haze. I kept growing bigger and bigger and people kept congratulating me. I worked in a showroom, meeting people every single day, and they kept asking me how far along I was and whether I was expecting a boy or a girl. Unknown people would stop me in the street, touch my belly and ask silly questions like when am I due! Meanwhile, I was harbouring a big secret, that my baby would die the minute it was born, if not before.
I was denied the choice to terminate the pregnancy. They made me go through a bigger trauma, both physical and psychological, because some men in power made this choice for me that there should never be a termination. No matter the circumstances. Not even if the baby has zero chance of surviving outside of the womb. I was forced to be a walking grave.
After a C-section delivery Anya lived assisted for 50 minutes. It took me 4 years to recover mentally to try and have another baby, but the trauma is still there, even though I now have a healthy 7 year old. Since both births were delivered via a C-section, I could never have another child, even though I always dreamed of having two. This heartache is real. I have to live with this tragedy every single day. It never gets better; it’s only replaced by sadness and anger.
After you read this, I wish you could look me straight in the eye and see if you manage to keep cold and still say “No.” Then still tell me that I am selfish and heartless to want abortion legal in Malta. And for those who say I was one in a million, I know for certain that cases like mine are NOT documented and they happen often. I lived it and I spoke to other women like me. We are an underground community, because people like you do not want to hear our voices.”
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